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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.